Goose the Blog 2.0

"Oh, ha! Sarcasm: The last refuge of sons of bitches!"

Action Family!1

by John at 7/19/2007 12:22:00 PM

The year is 2037. Rising sea levels, rapid global climate change, alien invasion, and an energy crisis have led to political and geographic chaos. A world in turmoil calls on the special talents of the few to ease the burdens of the many. But when the few are already busy solving the world's greatest problems, who do you ask to deal with life's petty annoyances?

Meet The B-Team. They may not be the best, but they're the best of the rest.

The Matriarch: Leader of the team, she has more smarts than the rest of the team combined
  • Wields the Power of Hypnosis
  • Always stays cool in a crisis
  • Once aspired to be a Famous Solver of Actuarial Puzzles
  • Whereabouts: B-Team HQ

Pappy: A half-crazy old coot with a short fuse and a knack for finding, and causing, trouble
  • Lost his left hand in a home improvement accident
  • Excels at creative problem solving
  • Can correctly identify poison ivy seven out of ten times
  • Whereabouts: Flame weeding in the backyard

E-chirou: Number one son, a modern day samurai in a world without honor
  • Follows Budo, the path of war
  • Proficient with the daisho, talwar, and cutlass
  • Master of four styles of Monkey Kung Fu: Drunken, Crafty, Stone, and Dropping
  • Whereabouts: Unknown

Major G: Number two son, the greatest North American civilian test pilot in history
  • Weapon of choice is the PP-40W Phased Plasma Assault Cannon
  • Astounding reflexes and manual dexterity
  • Holds advanced degrees in Esperanto and tokamak engineering
  • Whereabouts: Undercover as Assistant (to the) Sanitation Engineer on Lunar L5 Colony.
When all your starting players are sidelined, you call in The B-Team.

The previous characters are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.


1. The first three members of the Action Family!2 were created at the LEGO Imagination Center at Downtown Disney in Disney World. For ten dollars, you could create three Lego minifigs from a limited assortment of parts, and put them in a clever plastic holder to wear around your neck. The final member, Major G, was added a few months later from unused Lego parts at B-Team headquarters.

2. The name Action Family! is blatantly stolen from the Chris Elliott comedy, "Action Family," made in 1987 for Cinemax.

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