Goose the Blog 2.0

"Oh, ha! Sarcasm: The last refuge of sons of bitches!"


by John at 9/16/2005 07:30:00 AM

That's Rev. Dr. B. to you!

Last night I was ordained by the Universal Life Church. I've got my certificate right here.
The Universal Life Church has sent your application for ordination from ULC MONASTERY in Tucson, Arizona to Modesto, California. Providing that you filled out the form properly with your legal first and last name, it will be approved and entered into the International Database of the Ministry of the Church, whose numbers are in excess of 20 million ordained ministers worldwide

It feels good to be a holy man1. I now have powerful magic, but with great power comes great responsibility:
The Universal Life Church has only two tenets (beliefs/doctrine):

• to promote freedom of religion and
• to do that which is right.

It is the responsibility of the individual to determine what is right as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others and is within the law.

I was already doing that! Anyway, check out my new superpowers:
As a minister with the ULC, its own denomination, you are granted the following rights:

• To perform marriages within any US state, following the rules laid out by the state in which you wish to perform said marriage.
• To perform funerals, baptisms, last rites or any other sort of legal ceremony or ritual you wish to perform, except circumcision.
• To start a church of your own, be it a bricks and mortar building or on the internet.
• To absolve others of their sins as you have been absolved of yours.

Absolve sin! That's probably going to be my favorite one. Who wants to go first? If you have considered your actions and sincerely desire to improve in the future, let me know in the comments below and I'll fix you up with some old-fashioned absolving, easy on the penance. (If you are DIY-er, you can absolve your own sin on the internet.)

That marriage thing might come in handy, too (Nudge, nudge, Amy and Bill2).


1. Yes, I'm still an atheist, but I'm not a heathen!

2. Washington RCW 26.04.050.

Who may solemnize.

The following named officers and persons, active or retired, are hereby authorized to solemnize marriages, to wit: Justices of the supreme court, judges of the court of appeals, judges of the superior courts, superior court commissioners,
any regularly licensed or ordained minister or any priest of any church or religious denomination, and judges of courts of limited jurisdiction as defined in RCW 3.02.010.
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